When Does ‘Hospitality Hustle’ Go Too Far?

Waiting tables. Some argue it’s the one job everyone should be required to do at some point—if only to understand the infinite focus, energy, and patience needed to multitask while bombarded by demands.

For better or for worse, in most U.S. restaurants, waitstaff and bartenders still depend on customer tips for the vast majority of their pay. This situation sets the stage for vexing power dynamics—i.e. “the customer is always right”—and opinions on the topic get heated.

The conversation flared up yet again over famed restaurateur Stephen Starr’s recent social media post praising the dedication of an employee, who is shown running along a city street to hunt down Coke Zero for a guest. “This is the true example of Starr hospitality. It should become our training video for all servers and management,” read his caption. He finished with, “The customer pays the bills. This is the least we can do to say thank you!”

The comment section became a lightning rod for the debate, inviting both praise (“the art of hospitality!”) and disdain (“Running to satisfy rich people’s whims”) for such a level of over-the-top service. One user commented, “You can get Coke Zero the second you step out of the restaurant. This is a moment where I question where the boundaries lie in hospitality.”

So, what are the boundaries? During the late aughts through the 2010s, there had been a creeping shift away from the customer and toward a “chef is always right” (i.e. “you’re lucky to be dining here”) attitude, amplified in part by the rise of celebrity chefs and the lionization of Chef’s Table-style bucket-list dining. The final nail in the customer-is-king coffin may have been the pandemic, which brought about new awareness surrounding the financial and social hardships of tipped employees, who were expected to continue working on the frontlines with minimal benefits, if any at all.

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But the Starr employee’s moxie suggests the era may be in decline, making way once again for gracious hospitality as the dish du jour. The surrounding economic climate—with restaurants operating on razor-thin margins for financially skittish customers—likely has something to do with that.

Whatever the cause, those in the comments seem to be fired up about a theoretical return to “the customer is always right”—implying a backslide toward more subjugating times for those in the hospitality hustle.

But is celebrating above-and-beyond service really a problematic proposition?

Hospitality as a Guiding Star

For Carlin Karr, wine and beverage director at Bobby Stuckey’s esteemed Frasca Hospitality Group in Colorado, gracious service—including gestures that go above and beyond—is essential to a quality experience.

“The culture of ‘yes’ is so much more powerful than the culture of ‘no,’” she says. “We’ve gotten a lot closer to the culture of ‘no,’ and that’s made guests a little defensive.”

She argues that, while it’s currently more fashionable to ask the guest to walk a mile in server shoes, great service involves reciprocating the gesture. “I remind my team just how expensive it is to dine out,” she says. “There’s nothing more frustrating than spending a good amount of money and not having a great experience or not thinking it was worth it.” In her eyes, surprise and delight, along with exceeding expectations, is part of the gig.

Wine Enthusiast Writer-at-Large Tonya M. Pitts, who spent many years running the celebrated wine program at San Francisco’s now-closed One Market, completely agrees with Karr’s philosophy. The current freelance consultant and writer frames the extra mile as a demarcation between good and great.

“The extra high touch differentiates you from the other guy,” says Pitts. “People engage and spend their dollars where they are welcomed and made to feel special. It really does make a difference.”

In the Yelp era, unhappy guests can be hugely damaging to a restaurant’s reputation. The cost of guest recovery in the moment is so much less than after they leave. (This July, after a San Francisco influencer said she was treated poorly at a new restaurant, the restaurant closed.) In this economy, superlative service can easily mean survival for the business.

Restaurant Management Matters

With restaurant viability hinging more and more on gracious hospitality, like it or not, the concept may now be unavoidable. There are right and wrong ways to go about it, though, and proactive, supportive management can ease the burden for waitstaff.

“For most requests, there is always a work around,” Pitts says. “If you have a guest that likes certain items, keep them in-house for when that guest comes in.”

Anticipating frequent requests and setting up the waitstaff for success can be the difference between embracing a hospitality role or resenting it. For example, making ketchup from scratch is all fine and good, but it’s probably wise to keep some Heinz stashed in the kitchen.

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Similarly, it’s up to management to support the team as a hospitality buffer with petulant customers. Without that, servers and bartenders—especially as tip-reliant employees—can be cornered into problematic scenarios or even harassment.

It was a role that Pitts relished during her years on the floor. When faced with particularly challenging guests, she’d happily step in. “The best thing to do is to take the staff member out of the equation and do it yourself,” she says. “Frankly, I would do this all the time.”

Context Is Everything

Of course, there are bound to be examples of the opposite: staff being put into unwinnable—or even abusive—situations by poorly behaved guests and negligent management. For some among us operating outside the scope of human decency, tipped wages in particular can be a leverageable tool for manipulation and subjugation. Wages under $3 per hour are the norm for tipped employees in several states, as long as their total income meets minimum wage.

Camille Lindsley, beverage director and owner at HAGS in Manhattan, unquestionably draws a hard line at belligerent, demeaning behavior, tip-enabled or not. Beyond that, though, she frames each scenario within its own unique context.

“The line is more blurry than we want to admit because our behaviors are determined by feelings and circumstance,” she says. After all, that’s how any relationship works. “Are they a regular? Are they a first-time diner who is treating the staff well and seem excited to be here? Are they being standoffish or aloof? Are they acting that way because they are nervous for their date to arrive? Are they being an outright jerk?” she asks.

Guests, too, have a role to play in their experiences. It’s a two-way street, and savvy restaurant-goers understand that thoughtful behavior is more likely to fetch outstanding hospitality. “We all have days where we aren’t at our best, but how you treat service staff is going to impact your dinner, for better and worse,” Lindsley says.

But back to that social media post. As it turns out, Karr says that most negative comments don’t understand the context.
The staff member running down the street is none other than Mikayla Cohen, corporate wine director for STARR Restaurants. “She doesn’t have a table section, so she’s not sacrificing service to them. You’re not putting the rest of your team in a bad spot,” Karr says. “It’s the ultimate hospitality move. Whoever’s hating on it doesn’t understand the ecosystem of working in the restaurant.”